Much ado about nothing

I went to a large family gathering last night. Many people there that I haven't seen in years. All of them I grew up with, saw on a regular basis, did many extended family things with. And it was familiar and strange all at once. I had a pleasant time. Talked to several people. Had some great conversations with cousins and their spouse's... cracked jokes, ate food, admired paintings. Last night I got home feeling run over. Major headache, body hurting, and I cried for many hours. I'm not sure why either. Today, my voice was completely gone and I felt hung over and my acne that was cleared up completely is back with a major vengeance.

So much energy in that room last night. So many old memories colliding with present experiences. People I knew growing up are now, for the most part, complete strangers. And I am a stranger to them also. They don't know if my trials, hardships, celebrations, triumphs, defeats... they don't know the person I have become. And I found myself unwilling to show them that person. I find I am hesitant to show most everyone that person. And now I'm left wondering why. What has happened in my life to cause me to retreat so far into myself that so few are shown the truth of me? Even now, I am helping a dear friend but it exposes my true self and I am already sad, hoping that I don't lose this friend when he sees the true me. I don't think I will and yet...

So, why do we hide? Why do we cover ourselves with dirt, throw some sticks into that dirt and proclaim them flowers? And why do we agree that other people's sticks are indeed flowers when we can see they are plainly sticks? I know a lot is fear of hurt. And maybe we pre-judge ourselves for others to soften the blow? Or do we try so hard to become others expectations of who they think we should be?

I don't know the answer and I don't know why being with family doesn't fill me up but completely depletes me. Why I want to flee to far away places after being with those who knew me growing up. And why I don't give them the updated version of myself when I seek out the updated version of them. It's been a confusing and disheartening weekend. And i fear I am simply rambling now..