A couple of months ago, I recovered some memories of being sexually assaulted when I was 7. It was at school, during recess, the boy was in 5th or 6th grade and a known bully. His father was Very Important and had lots of Money. He had a small gang of younger boys that followed him around and did the dirty work for him. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember if it was once or several times. I do remember that he also hurt my friend so I stood up to him. I took on him and his minions. I told my teacher. I got in trouble.
I was punished severely for attacking him and making "false allegations" against him. I was told how wrong I was. His father was Very Important and had lots of Money and therefore he was above the rules. My friend was pulled out of my class because I was a bad influence. I was 7. I didn't tell anyone else what happened. Why would I! I was punished for being a victim. I shut down. I became invisible. When I turned 8, my baptism was delayed for some reason. I was sure it was because I was unworthy, because I was damaged. I became more invisible.
Now, I continue to be invisible. I disappear easily. That incident really set me up for the other sexual predators that found me, used me, hurt me. So I added unattractive to invisible to keep me safe. And now I'm stuck here and I really am unsure how to get out of this.
Things have been unsteady lately. Some days emotions are high. Some days they don't exist. I really am unsure how to process this is or what to do with it all. I only write this to get it out of my head so I can maybe see it clearly. And if course, life moves on. So dealing with 36 year old crap along with being a mom, homeschooling, running a home, paying bills, taking care of a husband, trying to be a good neighbor/ friend/ listener/ daughter/ confidante, pets, laundry, dishes, healing a still broken leg, trying to break through the weight loss monster, dealing with loss, and all sorts of other fun life things that keep getting thrown at us, is exhausting to say the least. I'm spent. And so, so tired. But here I am.
I don't know what all of this means nor what to do with it. It is for now.