Monday, February 5, 2018

Once I was 7 years old..

A couple of months ago, I recovered some memories of being sexually assaulted when I was 7. It was at school, during recess, the boy was in 5th or 6th grade and a known bully. His father was Very Important and had lots of Money. He had a small gang of younger boys that followed him around and did the dirty work for him. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember if it was once or several times. I do remember that he also hurt my friend so I stood up to him. I took on him and his minions. I told my teacher. I got in trouble.

I was punished severely for attacking him and making "false allegations" against him. I was told how wrong I was. His father was Very Important and had lots of Money and therefore he was above the rules. My friend was pulled out of my class because I was a bad influence.  I was 7. I didn't tell anyone else what happened. Why would I! I was punished for being a victim. I shut down. I became invisible. When I turned 8, my baptism was delayed for some reason. I was sure it was because I was unworthy, because I was damaged.  I became more invisible.
Now, I continue to be invisible. I disappear easily. That incident really set me up for the other sexual predators that found me, used me, hurt me. So I added unattractive to invisible to keep me safe. And now I'm stuck here and I really am unsure how to get out of this.

Things have been unsteady lately. Some days emotions are high. Some days they don't exist. I really am unsure how to process this is or what to do with it all. I only write this to get it out of my head so I can maybe see it clearly. And if course, life moves on. So dealing with 36 year old crap along with being a mom, homeschooling, running a home, paying bills, taking care of a husband, trying to be a good neighbor/ friend/ listener/ daughter/ confidante, pets, laundry, dishes, healing a still broken leg, trying to break through the weight loss monster, dealing with loss, and all sorts of other fun life things that keep getting thrown at us, is exhausting to say the least.  I'm spent. And so, so tired. But here I am.

I don't know what all of this means nor what to do with it. It is for now.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Hope

I am currently reading this series that the "bad guy" is the dark side of magic. Its called the Decay. The Decay came from people using magic to intentionally hurt other people. And the more they used it to hurt, the more it grew, almost consuming everything and everyone. Some people got together and fought the Decay and almost eradicated it. Almost. Some lingered and made its way into a person who then spread the Decay slowly throughout the different kingdoms. The Decay promises great power, and it delivers but it corrupts absolutely. And the more you give in to hurting others, the more power you get.
Right now, I see the government in the grips of this Decay. It came in with promises of power and greatness. And there is both, but at the expense of people. Its hurting many but the Decay keeps growing. So many are buying into the enticement of greatness, power, money, wealth.. and they are getting it. And people see that those who let go of that little voice that says "this might hurt someone" for the voice that says "but you don't know that someone. And who cares as long as you gain!", get gain but lose humanity. And it's infectious. Instead of "all people are equal", we get "some are entitled to more". Instead of "let's pull together to help each other", we get "but my need is much more important than yours". People are creating lines "us" against "them". And the lines are becoming more distinct. Everyone is rallying to a side. Athletes should be grateful for the money we give them! Undocumented people should go back to where they came from! Women are lower than men! You should be exactly the same as me and if you are not, I will hate you! Gays have a mental illness! Dog lovers are corrupt! Cat lovers hate fish! Vegans are the only ones who care about anything! Only old, rich, white men can make decisions about how we run our country!
I keep hoping that that small voice in people's heads will win. I keep going that people will see the Decay and realize how much they are hurting themselves along with all of those they feel like need to be hurt. I keep hoping...

Sunday, January 28, 2018

The good stuff

Many years ago, a dear friend told me I am the type that prefers the good stuff in small amounts as compared to large amounts of the cheap stuff. I didn't believe her. We are taught to make due with what we have, be grateful for the small things. I translated this to mean you need to settle for the cheap stuff, settle for the scraps you are given and be happy with it. I never was.
Lately, I have started a new diet. You eat what you like minus junk food but stop eating at 3. You drink water or zero calorie drinks after 3 only.  It sounded hard but I was excited. I have not struggled 1 day with this diet. I even gave myself a cheat day. We got pizza from the Pie. And I found myself not eating after 3. I also discovered that she was right. I like the good stuff. That pizza was the same price as the "cheap" kind. And it was so much better. I was more satisfied with a smaller portion than if we had just got Papa John's or Dominos.
So, now I am done settling. I like the good stuff. I like the high end chocolates, the gourmet raviolis, the amazingly good pizza. I would rather pay for the expensive stuff and enjoy every bit of the small portion then have lots of the icky crap. And I will no longer apologize for having expensive tastes. This is who I am. Call me a snob. Call me a princess. I don't care. I will enjoy the finer things. I will expect a higher standard. And I will no longer deny that party of me.
(Btw, I've lost about 4 lbs in this new diet. I've been doing it for just under a week)

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Gray hairs

I finally have got my long awaited gray hairs coming in. I'm so excited! And the 2 people I have shown them to, look at me as if I were an alien. Sigh. I've always wanted gray hair.  I think it is so beautiful. And mine are coming in all white and shimmery, which I knew would happen. Not sure why we must cling to youth and anything but being young and perfect is seen as bad. Why can't we embrace all the different changes in life? Why don't we celebrate arriving in our 40's as the accomplishment it is? How many people didn't make it here?

Why don't we celebrate the milestones of reaching those older ages? The scars, the gray hairs, the wrinkles, the sagging body parts.. each one has a story behind it. Each ones has built us up to be the person we are now.  Why is youth and staying there the sign of achievement? Personally, I would never want to be in my 20's again. It was hard. And I almost didn't make it out.

I think I will celebrate more those scars, the gray hairs, the wrinkles and sags. At least by myself, in my bedroom, alone. (Well, I might share the gray hairs cause those really make me happy..  )

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Baby Monkey

We had a troop of Black and White Colobus Monkeys. They were very amusing to watch play. We got a call from the keeper early one morning. There was an extra monkey! One of the females had a baby in the night. We didn't even know she was pregnant. Well, mom wasn't doing well. She was darted and brought to the hospital. She didn't put up a fight, which is very unusual. The baby was pure white and so tiny! She was scared, which is very normal. We had two teams, one working on mom, the other dealing with the baby. I was on baby duty. She was small enough to sit in my hand perfectly comfortable. We weighed her, drew some blood, did an exam and waited to see what would happen with mom. The baby was having a hard time, calling for her mom and panicking about all these hairless, pink apes handling her. I snuggled the baby up next to my chest. She kept looking for something to hold on to. I gave her a pinkie. She held onto it with both paws as if it was her only lifeline. I then cooed at her, talking softly. I told her she was safe and her mom would be ok. I rocked back and forth trying to soothe this poor, frightened baby. She was calling for her mom pretty loud and as we walked and talked, her cries lessened and softened. Finally, the poor thing fell asleep in three of my fingers, still gripping my pinkie. The other people around me stopped because the baby's cries had stopped. They all turned to me expecting the baby to have died and found her sleeping soundly cuddled in my hand. Awe and amazement came over everyone. All I could say was "I'm good at putting babies to sleep, no matter what the species."

Rattlesnake

It was time for the annual exams of the Western Diamond Back Rattlesnakes. I was beside myself with joy. How often do you get to be involved in dealing with a deadly animal? Ok, in my world, it was fairly often.. So, we all head down to the reptile house and I was given very specific instructions that I was to keep calm and not get overly excited. I tried my best. The vet and two reptile keepers went into the room and locked it, despite my begging to be in the room as they caught up the snakes. These snakes were about 8 lbs and 6 feet long approximately. There was a male and female, the female being the bigger of the two. In order to safely handle the snakes, the keepers would have them slither up a clear plastic tube about half way up the animal's body, then they would hold them in place so they couldn't bite or get away. I literally danced outside as they caught up one snake at a time. The moment arrived and I was allowed into the room. There was this huge snake inside this tube staring me down. It was awesome! I was given the opportunity to exam the "non-lethal" end. It was the female that I examined. She was soft on the underside and rough and bumpy on top. She was pissed that I was touching her. She was bristling with indignation. I went to draw blood off her. She flipped and tried to get out of the grasp of the keeper. She looked at me, opened her mouth and spit venom in my direction. You could see this clear, viscous fluid running down the tube. Man, she was angry! I didn't back down. I calmly collected the blood from her, gave her another pet and handed her back. Luckily, she had already peed on the keeper when he caught her up, so I was spared that happiness. Snake "musk" doesn't come out of your clothes or off your skin. It's a very nasty smell. It was an amazing moment for me. The feeling of holding a predator in your hands in indescribable. It gives you pause. We all survived the day though that snake always watched me closely whenever I came around.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Tiger

It was morning on a warm summers day. I was rather nervous because it was going to be my first day working with macaws. These particular macaws were a mated pair and buggers. They knew full well that their nasty beaks could snap a finger off. I think someone accidentally told them, which is sad. So due to this knowledge they had, it was rather difficult to catch them up. Several of us were waiting with baited breath while the one keeper in the zoo who could catch them without losing a finger arrived. The macaws were housed in the old cat house at the time. I was sitting along the observation window to the outside enclosure for the tigers. A couple of the cat keepers were there with me to learn how to catch these wicked birds. Well, being morning, one of the female tigers was released into the yard so her enclosure could be cleaned properly without fear of being eaten. She entered the yard and saw me sitting with my back to the window. She crouched immediately. Her prey was in sight. Stealthy and sly she crept forward, making herself as invisible as possible. I had seen her out of the corner of my eye and knew the game was afoot. I stayed perfectly still waiting for my opportunity. She wiggled and pounced hitting the glass pretty darn hard. I saw her leap and jumped up myself hitting the glass at the same time she did. And now it was my turn. I crouched down low and stalked the waiting tiger. I wiggled and pounced and as before she hit the glass at the same time that I did. This time she stayed on her hind legs digging at the glass with her front paws. I put my hands where her front paws were and tried to make the glass disappear. No luck, so she ran around the enclosure and got into position. Again, crouching, stalking and wiggling from both of us. And again, pounce! Much digging again and this time she dropped to all fours and cheeked rubbed my hands. I was trying so desperately to make that horrible glass go away! She head butted the glass a few times, as did I and was called away for breakfast. I then realized that there were about half a dozen people staring at me, gaping. One of the cat keepers looked at me and said "I have never seen her play like that with anyone. That was the coolest thing I think I have ever witnessed."